


when derek realized he was in love with spencer

by ocdranboo



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: M/M, Mention of torture, for him not me for once lmao, it didn’t turn out like that, like… projection 100, technically this is no.2 for whumptober but, working through emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-30
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21620158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocdranboo/pseuds/ocdranboo
Summary: when he realized he loved spencer; and when he realized he was terrified of loving spencer
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Derek Morgan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 179





	when derek realized he was in love with spencer

Derek’s feelings for Spencer were an explosion.

He’d been standing there, watching Spencer dump an inordinate amount of sugar into his coffee, and his feelings exploded all over the place like the sugar did when Spencer shook it too hard and the lid fell off.

Suddenly, all of these sappy, tooth-rottingly sweet thoughts crowded his mind, thoughts he’d never let himself think before this.

Thoughts about Spencer, about his smile, about his long convoluted rants on any topic imaginable, his hands and how they’d feel intertwined with Derek’s, his laugh. Thoughts about climbing in through the locked doors of his heart and taking up residence— love was disgusting, really, and also absolutely wonderful.

He hadn’t felt this way about anyone in years. Not since Carter, although he’d have vehemently denied any feelings for Carter. Being a poor black boy going to a public high school, as a freshman, _and_ being bisexual? _And_ writing angsty poems about it? Any feelings for Carter were filtered down by overuse of the word “man.”

But this…

This was different. Derek wasn’t scared to love anymore, or at least he didn’t like to think he was. He was terrified — bone-shatteringly, earth-shakingly terrified — but that was because of his past, not because he was bisexual. No, he’d come to terms with that at nineteen.

What really terrified him about this was the fact that it was Spencer Reid, the fact that he would have to deal with the consequences of any actions he took to pursue this crush. This wasn’t a failsafe one night stand or a fling with some woman he met at the bar on a Tuesday night. 

This was something real, and lasting, and that terrified him.

Derek couldn’t name these feelings immediately. As he watched Spencer Reid dump sugar into his cup, all he thought was, “Oh, shit.”

It took him a while to place that he was, in fact, in love with the sweater-vest-clad man, and even longer to admit that it terrified him.

Each of these revelations also came as an explosion.

He realized he was in love with Spencer Reid — like really, truly, deeply in love — when Reid brought him a cup of coffee after noticing he was late to work. He’d gotten it the exact way Derek liked it and left it on his desk with a sticky note signed, “from Reid.”

Derek felt his heart flutter and his cheeks blush and the realization hit him like a hammer to the head: He was in love with Reid.

He didn’t, however, realize how terrified he was of this fact until much later, when Reid admitted to the team that he’d died while being tortured by Henkel. 

The fear he’d felt, crushing into his bones and making his whole body sink, the pure terror in retrospect that he could have lost Reid?

Loving Reid made him emotionally vulnerable. It gave him this huge weak spot that anyone could utilize for their own gain if needed. He was terrified of being in love, and love was pure terror that the other would be hurt, and Derek needed to come to terms with that.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is @trans-zoe-murphy if yall wanna follow me there :3


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